Moving On

The all-known, beloved song Let It Go comes to mind as I write this. In fact, I'm not quite sure what I am writing exactly. It's just one of those times I felt I should blog about a certain subject, and so, bare with me as I do so. This whole post may just end up being a long ramble of confusion. I will do my best to clear my head and type it out accurately.

Lately, and when I say lately, I mean like a while. About a few months ago really. I knew I had to move on. There was this thing in my life, an overall good thing, but it began to hold me back in ways. Important ways. I noticed I was drifting from my relationship with Christ, lacking in household chores, school even. I wasn't achieving the things I knew I was capable of. I knew that God was sending me signs to leave this "thing" and move forward. To close this chapter of my book but you see, that was just so hard to do. To walk away from what you may think is the best chapter of the book you're reading, well, that would just be excruciating, right?? I couldn't do it. I kept ignoring the signs and continued through the motions. I stayed in my comfy, mediocre little life. Did the same things, day in, day out. Until finally, I simply couldn't take it anymore. I took the bold approach, and said farewell to this so called "thing". No more. Adios. I have bigger and better things awaiting me. And I cannot wait to see what God holds for my future! I know it is still a process, and it won't be an easy one, but I'm willing. And if you're willing, my friend, God can do some amazing things with you. You just have to realize sometimes, that there is a time for everything. That chapters do indeed end, but the book still goes on. Let Jesus write yours! I can't wait to read your extraordinary story. We all have one. But you wouldn't want yours to be stuck on the same old chapter. People come in and out of our lives. For a reason, surely. All good things come to an end. Just in time for the new good thing to begin! So try not to get stuck in a chapter. Keep moving forward, my dear. And never look back.

{I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus} ~ Philippians 3:14

This Is My Life.

I am fourteen years old. I don't go to parties, I don't spend every day hanging out with my friends, I don't gossip or fan-girl over boy bands, I don't even go to school. No, instead, my day consists of changing diapers, bathing, feeding, wiping pb&j covered mouths, washing dishes, folding laundry, taking off leg braces and shoes, filling sippy cups, loading diaper bags, buckling carseats, and tucking kids in bed. And I'm okay with that. Really.

....okay maybe not. At least not allll the time. There are some moments when I start to listen to my flesh, whispering things like "this isn't fair", "nobody else my age is doing this right now", "I didn't ask for this", "why me??" To which I have to ignore and tell myself, "This is where God has you right now. This is you taking up your cross, Genesis. This is more."

But that's not always easy. Sometimes I want to throw a temper tantrum like a three year old. Sometimes I want to go sit on my best friends' bed and talk all night like a "normal" teenager, instead of wiping butts on the toilet after dinner. Sometimes I just want to lock myself in a closet quite honestly. And that's just my selfish, sinful being. Because after all, who even created the typical teen status? The world. I can tell you, in Bible times, they worked all day long for their families, and might have already been married by my age! These are the things I have to remember. Because, I am certainly nowhere near perfect. I'd like to imagine myself as this modern day Snow White, where I absolutely love my life and everything in it (and I do, don't get me wrong) and I better the world and every living thing loves me. Buuuuut no. I'm just me. The fourteen year old girl, living in a house full of seven little boys, who discuss poop and boogers at the dinner table (actually no, all day), some whom hit their heads and yell, keep their hands in their mouths 24/7, and are super duper stubborn.

This is my life. Whether I choose to hate it, or embrace it, is up to me. I am currently on the road to embrace. Even if that means trashing my "sunshine and rainbows" facebook reputation. Dang it...

We Are Worthless

I am pretty certain every human being has some sort of insecurity, about something in some area of themselves. Whether that be their outward appearance, their abilities, their family, the amount of friends they have, the way they talk even. Even the most confident person is bound to be just a little self-conscious about something. This is a big issue today. Especially among young people. Even if you've never been bullied before, or put down for any particular reason. A lot of times we just look at others, and if we don't have exactly what they have, act like they act, look like they do, we can so quickly put ourselves down and assume there's something wrong with us because we're simply different.

"Comparison is the thief of joy." - Theodore Roosevelt 

This is right on. And as humans, it's natural to compare ourselves to others. It's another part of our sinful nature. Sometimes, we don't even realize when we are actually comparing ourselves. It can become a nasty habit. Like biting your nails. (guilty) 

I'm going to be brutally honest with you. I am one of the most guilty of it all. Comparison, insecurities, the absence of self-worth. I am probably one of the most insecure people you will meet. Though I might be good at hiding it, underneath I have all the lies running continuously through my head. I don't think it really hit me until I was around 12 or 13. When I began to realize how I don't have nice smooth and tan skin, or the "perfect" weight of what seemed to be every other girl around me. It wasn't even magazines or commercials that I was comparing myself to! It was every day average, real people. Soon, I started looking at everyone else' talents and abilities, and yep, you guessed it. Comparing. I saw other girls that could write songs and poetry, and sing incredibly, or had crazy good baking skills, or were super artistic. All great qualities that I only dream of acquiring. Sounds rather selfish doesn't it? I of course began putting myself down, giving into the enemy's lies. Believing that I was indeed worthless, useless, invaluable, unimportant, and at times, invisible. I could read whatever Bible verses I wanted, listen to whatever songs on the Joy FM, accept whatever compliments and advice from friends and yet NOTHING could change the way I felt about myself. And that's just it. It's a battle against ourselves. WE are the ones hindering the happiness and peace we could and should be feeling towards ourselves. Not because of what we achieve, but what Christ has achieved. What HE did for us. Because truly, without Him we are nothing. We have nothing. God is the one who created us, molded us into our very being. And surely, the creator of the universe makes no mistakes. Therefore, when we put ourselves down, we're really insulting God's work. He gave us the gifts and abilities that He so desired, and knew we would need. He gave us the color hair we have, the skin tone, the bone structure we have. Everything. We are fearfully, and wonderfully made. 

One of my favorite verses is Psalm 45:11 ~ "Let the king be enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." 


The king is enthralled by our beauty! God, nothing but perfect, is captivated by OUR beauty. Just let that sink in for a minute. 


And yet, who are we to call ourselves beautiful? We played no part in our creation. Therefore, we owe it all to Him. Yes, we are ARE worthless, useless, and unimportant on our own. But with Christ, we find our purpose, and our value. Or more so, His value. We are only here to shine His light and let others see HIM. It's not about us. Though I may never be comfortable in my own skin, I remember by whom I was made, and by whom I am loved. And the ultimate reason for my life. Not to look around at everyone else' arms, to than look down at mine with disgust, because they're not as tiny. Or to see myself in the mirror and become angry. Or to wish I could play the piano as well as that one friend. No. Society tells us to do so, and to feel that way. As does Satin. Every day is a constant battle. But we must decrease, so that Christ can increase. And it is in that very doing, that we find our true beauty. 

Beauty & The Broken

\ \ D E P R E S S I O N / /

A very raw, touchy subject. It's probably not what most people would choose to write about. Or at least publicly blog about anyway. But here I am. So if you'll bare with me, I'd like to share with you some things that have been weighing heavily on me lately, and maybe by doing so, I can possibly help somebody. 

When you hear the word "depression" you might think of those commercials advertising for meds, with people in their late 40's, looking down and well..depressed. Or maybe you think of an "emo" teenage boy with hair covering his eyes, dressed in all black with scars on his wrist. Or maybe, you think of a mother of three, lying in her bed alone, without having eaten or nearly moved in days. Whatever it is that may define depression for you, I have a couple different opinions of my own. I believe some people may be clinically diagnosed, therefore medication may be necessary. I also believe, the word itself can be used as an adjective so to speak. Where as some people might just have a tendency to fall into it every now and then. But I'm not just talking about having a few bad days here and there. I mean quite often, and for sometimes, no reason at all. This seems to be very common among teens and young people today. Some worse than others. So, when I use the word "depressed" in any form, I'm not just referring to medically. Although I understand the severe significance of this, I might also be considering the overall meaning. 

 - Depression:

severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy. - 


Ultimately, WE control our happiness. We wake up in the morning and decided whether or not we're going to have a good day. We choose to smile, or not to smile. But when it comes to depression, that choice slowly fades. It's as if there is no other option. You just feel this way, and that is all. Like the poem from above stated, you try and try to be happy, but you simply cannot. You try to hang out with friends and family, go out and make plans to occupy yourself, and you might put on a front but inside, truthfully, you're broken. You can't feel it. For almost everyone there's a root to it all somewhere. Bullies, insecurities, health issues, relationships, divorced parents, self image, etc. For some people, their day to day life is filled with nothing but pain. From the outside, we might look at them and see what seems to be a great life. But on the inside, all they can see is pure pain. All they can feel is hurt. They've lost all sense of self worth, purpose, importance, love. They live without the light on. 

Well these people? These precious people need you and me to come into their lives and flip the light switch for them. As difficult as it may be to get through to them, or even make a difference for them, we have to try. All around, on this messed up, sinful earth, there are beings fighting their own daily battles. Whatever those may be. Big or small. God places people in your life for a reason. And get this, we're just as messed up and broken as those we're trying to help! So how does that work, you may ask? Well because Christ forgives us and He uses us to do amazing things, if we let Him. In fact, He likes to use the most broken and unlikely people to do the most extraordinary stuff. He's displayed this clearly in several acts found in the Bible today. 


"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." - Romans 8:26

He is also here in our darkest times of need. He will never let us down, nor leave us no forsake us. When all else fails, when it seems everyone around you has left or dissapointed you, He is still there. He actually wants us to come to Him with our troubles and comfort us through our sorrows. Gosh, He's the bestest friend anyone could ever ask for!

"Cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." - 1st Peter 5:7

" Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." - Romans 12:12


And when it seems you have nothing left in you, when you're completely burnt out, tired of feeling, tired of living, remember to whom you belong. We were created for a reason. We each have a purpose. I'm sure you've heard of Jeremiah 29:11 before, "'For I know the plans I have you, ' says the Lord. 'Plans to give you a hope and a future.'" We have to be greater than our struggles.

So help a friend out. Or a total stranger. Just be Jesus, for most people don't get to experience Him. Spread the light. Even if yours is withering in the wind, sharing it with others' makes it that much stronger.

In The Raw

I'm not a person that's naturally quick to anger. I typically try to see the good in everyone, and positive side of every situation (most of the time anyways...). I don't like to blame, or call someone out. Even if they are at fault. But lately, I've noticed something. Something bitter. Something that more than "bugs" me.

This is my brother, Gabe. He is nine years old.

When we first met him three years ago, in Ukraine, he was six years of age and weighed just 21lbs.
He spent those six years lying in a crib. all. day. long.

He was terrified. For many of our 2 hour visits he cried and trembled in fear (and probably pain) non-stop. Since he's been home, his fear of new surroundings have shaved down to a minimum. He went from hardly being able to sit up on his own, to walking with assistance. From drinking only liquids/pureed foods from a bottle, to beginning to chew solids and feed himself with utensils. 

Before and after: 1 month home

I am beyond amazed at the miraculous things God has done with him in these past three years. When we met him, we weren't even sure if walking would be in his future. We've gone through it all as if he was a six month old. The day he began crawling was pure awesomeness. I will certainly never forget the night he reached for me. Reached for me! He went from pushing our hands away, never wanting to be held, to 'asking' to be picked up. Now, he's the most affectionate, cuddly kid. He loves people. Even if he can just sit next to you, he's happy.

With all that being said, there are still little things. Little things that do not resemble the "sunshine and rainbows" like some people may expect to hear from an adoption story. No, ours is very real. Gabe has definitely lived a life of redemption thus far, but there are still things that some days drive us crazy. If you hadn't noticed, he typically has his hands in his face. This is his major stem that we believe he acquired as a way to occupy or sooth himself when nobody else would. They have decreased slightly, but not much.

When he gets over-stimulated, usually in the evening when he's tired, he'll start cracking up laughing. For no reason. I mean there is obviously a reason, but it's not just because he saw something funny on tv or he's being tickled. Nothing like that. Sometimes he'll do this thing where he squishes his mouth into his hands really hard, and scrunches up his face while making a "ughhh" sound. It's quite difficult to explain. But it's sometimes so intense and stiff, you can't even pull his hands down from his face. There's no point in even attempting to stop it. Thankfully, it only lasts a second or so. And around here, of course it's normal. I'm sure if a stranger caught him doing it they'd freak out.

It's those things. Those little things that strike this bitterness in me. Sometimes I have to remind myself not to take my anger out on Gabe, for its simply not his fault. But that's just it. Who's fault is it? I want to be mad at his former orphanage and nannies. Because maybe, just maybe if they would have picked him up and cradled his little body for fifteen short minutes a day, he wouldn't deal with these "ticks" and "stems". Or would he? Maybe he was just born this way. Maybe there is something else going on his brain that we know nothing about.

I've learned to be okay without the answers. After all, the past is the past. There's nothing we can do to change that. I just wish we could take all of it away from him. All the annoying ticks and non-stop stemming. Teach him when and why to giggle. Show him there's no reason to be afraid when we walk into a new building.

In the midst of letting go of the lingering frustration, I have this smile to look forward to everyday. And that's pretty great.  

Ohana

Ohana means family. And family means nobody gets left behind.

Lilo and Stitch said it well.

But the truth is, somebody did get left behind. A few actually.

 Young, innocent, pure, smiley children. These are the ones that got left behind.

The ones who are lucky enough to get to play with a toy, but who would willingly share it with a stranger in a heartbeat. 

The ones who grip your hand in hopes that you'd be their escape.


Oh how I wish I could have been their escape that day. Although the few minutes I spent with them were short, it will last a lifetime in my head as a memory I will never forget. And I can imagine that they cherished it too.

There's a lot more out there. Millions of precious faces with bright smiles and hopeful hands. The ones who encounter a "mama and papa" coming to rescue their little one(s). I can only try to imagine what's going through their heads. Something like "why not me?" "am I not enough?" "when will it be my turn?" Thoughts that make my stomach turn.


Nearly two years ago, we came back for one of the many left behind.

Kolya stole our hearts back in the summer of 2011, while adopting Levi and Gabe. I was only eleven years old at the time, but I remember being heartbroken to have to leave him. Along with all the other beauties I had met at the orphanage. Little did I know, that a year later he would be my little brother.

Only God could pull something off like that. Absolutely amazing. I can't even picture our lives without him. He's our little sunshine. He can seriously light up a room when he enters it, never fails to cheers me up, and keeps us all laughing. I pity those who don't get to experience the blessing of a former-forgotten child. An orphan no more. One whom was left behind.

We came back for him. We showed him (and continue to) what family is, and how being loved feels. But what about the other 147 million that didn't? All of God's beautifully created children. And He's waiting for us to do something. They are waiting for us to do something.

To rescue them.

Caring for orphans is not a "call" God gives special, extra patient people in the world. It is a command. We, as Christians, are commanded to care for the orphans and widows. He's waiting on us to obey Him. Along with the left-behind-children. They need you.

Two Weeks Too Fast

Tomorrow at 3am, we will head to the airport to make our trek home. It will have been exactly two weeks since we left FL, to travel to Ukraine. In some ways, these days have gone by slowly and it felt like 3 in the afternoon, by 10am. But in other ways, it feels like I just got here! I begin to miss my home and my family, but in the same minute I think about what it would be like to live here. I know as soon as I get home, I'm going to want to turn right around and come back to this beautiful place. I've experienced a lot in these past two weeks, and I couldn't be happier with the adventurous memories I've made. 

Here is a list of a few things I've learned during this trip- 

1. People do as they please. You can walk into a notary office and expect to see that the noter just didn't come in that day. 

2. We are impatient and spoiled Americans. If you need to practice patience, just spend a few days in Ukraine. 

3. A lot of things don't make sense. At least not to us. For example: In order to cross the street, you must go down three flights of stairs, walk through an under ground mall, and walk back up three more flights of stairs. 

4. You're lucky to find a/c in a building. And if it's below 70 degrees, you're children better be bundled in a couple sweaters and a hat. Always a hat. 

5. They actually have correct portion sizes. And no preservatives or added junk in their food. 

6. You can buy a week's worth of groceries for less than $70

7. Sour cream, sour cream, sour cream. It goes on anything and everything. It's like their ketchup. 

8. The sun comes up before 5am and doesn't go down until after 9pm.

9. Car seats and seat belts are overrated. 

10. Kids younger than me will walk the streets and take busses by themselves. 

11. You can ask for a bathroom by saying either "water closet" or "toilet". 

12. 95% of men wear fitted clothing. Including shorts, that are just a little too short. 

13. Most of the people here are very kind. They offer big smiles and help if we need it. Even if we can't understand each other. 

14. Nobody uses driers. Even if they're wealthy enough to afford one, they choose not to because they believe it damages clothes. Which really, in fact is true. I think we should put this one into practice. 

15. Everything opens at 10am. Well, at least restaurants and stores. I don't know why, but everywhere you go, ten o'clock. 

16. Pretty much everyone acts like they know each other. A total stranger will walk up to someone and ask them something (of which I have no clue, because it's all in Russian) and they'll politely answer and exchange smiles and "spaseeba"s. 

Sixteen is an odd number to leave off on, but that's just all I came up with at the moment. There is so much more that I learned and experienced in this beautiful country. I took an eight hour train, (nice compared to the twelve hour ones we had to take last time) rode in two different "taxis", played with a group of kiddos at an orphanage, walked the streets of both Odessa and Kiev, tried sushi and borsch for the first time (not together), got a temporary tattoo, took loads of pictures in Maiden (where the protests took place), had my hair braided, and even met a fellow adopting family! Whew! I am so beyond blessed and thankful to God for providing this amazing trip. It seriously was a dream come true. I know, that God willing, I will be back here again one day. Only He knows what for. But this is not goodbye!